Time to Think.

Lately, my mind has been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting. I don't know if this is due to the fact that I am no longer surrounded by 6 of my best friends. Living in Homer was an amazing experience, but living with 6 of your closest didn't leave much time for reflection. My reflection in life consisted of an hour of girl talk... which is really not reflective at all, although I miss those late night talks dearly. Anyways, lately, my mind has been spinning, questioning, and thinking about how I choose to live my life. These past few months have been more monumental than I think I realized. I deal with change relatively well. I usually just slip right into, becoming busy with something else. College was an easy transition, as I knew what to expect everyday and I was given amazing friends to share my days with. With this new post college, newly married, transition, I have definitely reflected more than ever before in life. What are my goals? Where do I find my worth? What's really important? Who am I? What's in store for my future? Not having the answers to any of these questions is well.. scary. My whole life, I have had security. I knew that the following morning I would wake up and go to school. My job in life was to be a friend, a student, a daughter, a girlfriend, etc. These seemed like doable jobs for me, and it came easy. I found my worth in my friendships and relationships. I knew that I wanted to be a teacher and I was proud that I was headed in that direction. Although I may have had difficult days I knew my future, or what I thought my future should look like.
Now I have graduated from college, gotten married, and no longer live with 6 friends. I don't come home to a house full of friends to where I have no time alone. Now I come home to an apartment, having no homework or assignments to keep my mind busy. What a weird concept... coming home and having absolutely nothing I HAVE to do. Although for many years I dreaded that feeling of school over my head, it gave me guidance, something to distract me from thinking about who I was. My life has been busy forever. Something has always been in my extra curricular that has prevented me from really truly thinking...
So I am now in a place of life where my future is not planned. I have a job, substituting, but that is not as secure as my former life schedule. I have a wonderful husband, which is amazing security but I am also no longer surrounded by those friends who are always available to hang out or talk too. So now, I am beginning to realize that God must be my everything. These comforts are amazing, but upon reflecting I realize that they became my "who I was" not blessings from God. I held on to those things as my security and without them I felt unworthy. Those emotions were so foreign to me. Before when I felt unworthy I would hang out with a friend, do well at school, etc. and those temporarily made me feel better about myself... but no longer. No longer can I take earthly things and make them define me. It doesn't matter what my job is, or who I hang out, or how many "to do's" I check off my list. When I look back on my life in twenty, thirty, forty years, will i remember what I accomplished Feb. 1 or April 16. No, not at all, unless I look back on my blue planner which has everything written down... :) SO i guess, lately, I am trying to wrap my mind around the greatness of our Father. Where does my worth come from? Shouldn't I be grateful for what I already have, instead of demanding and needing more? Why do I always find myself desiring what I don't have? These are my thoughts, my questions, that I have been given the opportunity to think upon....